I’ve been MIA for several weeks in order to make some very important changes in my life.

It’s very difficult to continue moving forward towards a life of prosperity if you don’t admit the necessary changes you need to make…..one of those changes for me was admitting that I had been a high functioning alcoholic for nearly a decade and that it was absolutely imperative for me to set my ego aside, be truthful with myself, and ask for help.

The past 30 days have brought a level of clarity that I couldn’t have imagined and my life has improved in every way possible. My wife has been extremely supportive in this endeavor and I don’t think I could have been successful without her support. Though traditional AA meetings have been virtually impossible because of covid-19, the one-on-one meetings and phone calls from the people from Alcoholics Anonymous has been crucial in this battle.

What Happened?

I didn’t get arrested, I didn’t get in fights, I didn’t cheat on my wife, and I didn’t miss work.

But drinking alcohol was not fun anymore. I had gained a sad dependency on it in order to just get through the day, not to mention deal with the slightest form of stress.

I continued to dismiss my alcohol consumption as a real problem. And because of this, I allowed my mental, emotional, and physical well being to deteriorate.

I was constantly repeating the same pattern of living. Negative thought patterns and a lack of vision inhibited me from achieving the many great things I had once set my heart on.

Over the course of a year, I found myself becoming a negative recluse who couldn’t focus on doing anything without getting a drink in me. The negative world I allowed to manifest in my head seemed much more tolerable if I was slightly inebriated.

And that’s why I stopped drinking.

I had visions of becoming the old asshole who gets fucked up at the bar in Applebee’s every single night.

You know, the guy who incoherently rambles to anyone about how terrible life is. And belligerently talking shit about how everyone else has it easier than them…all while never doing anything themselves to improve their life.

Towards the end, I was looking for any excuse I could find to get a buzz on. Dinners, celebrations, birthdays, and especially holidays.If it was hot outside then I needed a drink. If it was raining outside, drink.

Any reason.

No reason.

….DRINK

I would have this dialogue in my head that I drink to deal with stress. The holiday seasons were especially stressful anyways, and that It was all good to get fucked up because I was using it as a way to alleviate social inhibitions.

In the course of 1 year, I allowed my alcohol use to develop to a full blown reliance from 10am till I went to sleep.

My alcoholism temporarily weakened the potential of leavingweakness because I slacked off on what really mattered to me:

• My family’s well being
• Financial success through entrepreneurism
• My health

“First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.”
-F. Scott Fitzgerald

I actually found myself contemplating as to whether I even had an addiction problem!

That is because I am/was a HIGH FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC.

The stereotype of an alcoholic is someone who gets black out drunk, has DUIs, loses everything, and just can’t keep their shit together. This was not me at all. I still worked my ass off everyday, operated my businesses, and provided for my family. But I did all of this buzzed on alcohol. I very rarely would get ‘drunk’, but having a buzz was just right because I could still get the things done that needed to be taken care of.

Now, the general assessment of a high functioning alcoholic is someone who has more than three drinks daily. Man, I was having 2-3 times that much just to focus and relax.

The biggest danger of this type of alcoholism is that it usually goes unnoticed by people because the addict is responsible, takes care of their duties, and is usually in a position of power. Which makes it all that much harder to get clean because it’s unlikely that anyone is going to intervene. And anyone you may confide in might not even take you seriously because they’ll find it so absurd…because you don’t meet the alcoholic stereotype.

And when I came to terms with the fact that I may have developed a bit of a dependency, I decided to take a break from drinking. Now, I think it’s very important to point out that I never intended to actually give up drinking permanently. I just thought that I would take a week or two off, give it a break, then come back under control just drinking in moderation.

When I tried to stop…That’s when I realized I had a very serious problem that I was dealing with.

There was definitely a period of time where I couldn’t stop. And I was trying my best too. But if I went about a few days without it, I would end up drinking way more booze than I should have in order to compensate for it.

I couldn’t just have a glass of wine.

I had to have the whole fucking vineyard.

“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results”
-Albert Einstein

I then found myself repeating the same cycle over and over again.

I would wake up late feeling like complete shit from drinking more than I should have. So, I would skip my morning workouts. My nutrition was spotty at best and my work output, while still there in quantity, would suffer greatly in quality. And I would tell myself that I was done drinking and I would never do this to myself again.

Then later in the evening I would allow myself to get stressed out and let the anxiety take over, seclude myself away, and hit the bottle again that same night.

Repeating the same cycle and having the same conversation with myself the very next morning with another hangover.

Hiding my addiction from friends, family, and the world.

How I was able to become Sober.

For me, alcohol was almost like a stimulant. While it relaxed my anxiety, it also made me feel like I could focus my thoughts which allowed me to feel like I could accomplish more. For lack of better words it was literally ‘liquid encouragement’.

But one of the worst traits that my alcoholism brought out was this annoying habit of being extremely argumentative and always ready to win a debate. While not verbally abusive by any means, I certainly was no pleasure to be around and im sure my family was pretty miserable.

However, even they didn’t know how much I was drinking on a daily basis because I had gotten so good at doing secretively. I literally had bottles stashed in various places all throughout the house in inconspicuous places. There was a bottle of bourbon or vodka stashed in just about every room in the house in some fucked up place no one would ever think to look.

I guess in the back of my mind, I knew things were getting out hand but I kept letting my ego persuade me that I could stop whenever I wanted.

What a dumbass!

When the shit hit the fan!

I used to buy all my booze at the same place we do all of our grocery shopping. However, I was picking up my booze when we were picking up groceries because I didn’t want to hear a bunch of ridicule about my consumption issues. And even if did get shit , I would ridiculously iterate that I need so much because im 6’3 with a muscular frame, so it just takes more for me….. what an asshole excuse.

Once the corona virus hit we got this app for our grocery store that would allow us to place orders online and just pick it up. However, I wasn’t aware that the app had just integrated a feature that would show every thing we had purchased prior to this and show all transaction which used our store discount card. And believe me, i used that discount cart EVERY TIME  I purchased booze.

I remember getting a call from my wife one day while she was at her moms. My wife was crying her eyes out and sounded absolutely devastated.

She explained to me the new features on the grocery app and said that she couldn’t believe how much alcohol I had been buying. She told me that I had very serious problem and had to get help for the sake of our family.

I knew that I had betrayed her trust and that I could loose everything I cared about if I didn’t face my addiction.

So I stopped drinking that very moment because I was absolutely disgusted with myself

The next day, I became a member of alcoholics anonymous. And I have proudly been sober since May 15th, 2020.

My Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Coin celebrating my first month of sobriety.

Benefits of Sobriety

My life has literally improved in every single way since the moment I became honest with myself. When I admitted that I had a severe alcohol problem that I couldn’t break alone, that’s when true repair began.  Through the help of Alcoholics Anonymous, I had realized that this was a decade long issue that I had been struggling with for nearly a decade that had finally reached its boiling point. What was even more impactful was the psychological breakdown of why I had become an alcoholic. Thus allowing me to realize negative parts of my past that I had to understand and come to terms with in order to keep moving forward.

The physical improvements have been wonderful as well!

Sure the first few days of detoxing was pretty miserable. But every day after that brought more pronounced feelings of wellbeing.

Around the 5th day of being alcohol free, I started noticing I was sweating like crazy and starting to lose a shit ton of subcutaneous water weight.  Some important things to consider here I that the body holds on to stored water when being dehydrated. And I was literally subjecting myself to being in constant stated of dehydration.

Its also very important to consider just how calorie dense alcohol is. There are a whopping 7 calories per each gram of alcohol. To put this in perspective, each gram of fat contains 9 calories and proteins and carbs only have 4 grams.  A tradition shot will contain about 15 grams of alcohol which accumulates to around 105 calories per shot.

These calories add up fast when there is a dependency involved. So needless to say, I was dropping some serious shit weight pretty fast.

Within the first week my energy levels improved exponentially. I would typically start drinking in the early afternoon and just keep going throughout the day to sustain my buzz. And it was like I could keep going if I stayed in motion. But the second I did something as simple as sit down, extreme lethargy would take over and I would be on the verge of falling asleep.

Additionally the quality of my workouts improved as did my overall endurance all around.

I was able to get back on a normal sleep schedule and start giving a shit about my diet again.

As great as the physical benefits of getting sober have been, the greatest improvements have taken place with my family life and mental well being.

I wouldn’t have been successful in getting sober if it weren’t for the support of my wife.

Once I got honest with myself and started telling my family the truth about my secretive addiction, my number one priority was not only staying sober but working to regain their trust again. They know have the best version of ME once again!

I let that fucking bottle become my best friend and it turned out to be the worst enemy I’ve ever had.I am no longer poisoning my brain and filling myself with feelings of paranoia and anxiety.  It’s ironic  that I relied on alcohol to self medicate anxiety issues and all it really did was exacerbate the problems.

I can attribute some of the worst times of my life to having a distorted thought process while using alcohol. But no more! The level of clarity I have regained is so serene that it feels like going from operating on windows 95′ to upgrading to MAC iOS.

My financial prosperity has also improved as I’ve once again focused on making that a priority. And ill tell you that a major aspect of this has been maintaining a daily priority journal. I spend 10 minutes every morning filling my planner/journal out and doing this allows me to do three things:

1. Gain perspective from the past
2. Have daily goals to work towards
3. Hold myself accountable in all aspects of my life

I review my accomplishments at the end of the day and make notes about what I did well on. And also consider what maybe I could have done better with. The exact one that I use is called a Panda Planner but there is also a cheaper one HERE that Amazon sells. I suggest these for anyone who is serious about prospering themselves because its designed specifically for goal setting and making improvements in life.

To anyone struggling with addiction:

Most people have addictions of some sort wether it be porn, social media, drugs, gambling, or booze. But even if you think that you have a problem its not gonna matter about getting clean from it unless YOU actually want to get clean for YOU. Most people fail in sobriety because they aren’t doing it for themselves and they themselves don’t really want to get clean.

You gotta do it for yourself because you want it.

The other thing I would advocate for is setting your bullshit ego aside, putting your big boy pants on, and getting real with yourself! Don’t be like me and think that as long as you can stop drinking for a day or two that you can just give it up at anytime. Or that since you aren’t desperate enough to drink hand sanitizer or cologne that you don’t have a problem. THATS THE MIND OF AN ADDICT RATIONALIZING THEIR SUBSTANCE RELIANCE.

If your wondering if you have a problem, then you probably do. So set that ego shit aside and ask for help.

The three main tools that I had in my corner were family support, using kratom to combat withdraws, and being involved in alcoholics anonymous. And I’m here to tell you that this battle is a real bitch sometimes but you don’t have to do it alone. There are more people than you could ever imagine that can and want to help.

Here are some great resources that were a major benefit to me, just click the links below:

Find AA meetings near you

FREE Audiobook of the Alcoholics Anonymous Big Book on Youtube

AA Speakers: Craig T Nelson Alcoholism Recovery Stories

Dick Van Dyke Talks Openly About His Alcoholism

Why Theo Von Got Sober

Jordan Peterson on Alcohol

My article on Kratom

My podcast on the science of Kratom with Biochemist Chris Ward

If you need help, there is brotherhood in this community that can help. Comment below or reach out to me at admin@leavingweakness.com

Yours in sobriety,

Scott

LW